Love, Lust, and College.

Two full wash cycles, a good chunk of stain remover and one morning later; I had finally cleaned my futon cover. I was attempting to correct the bi-product of valentines day. I spent that day in good company and yet I was definitely alone. By all standards I wasnt but i felt alone, intamately isolated.

This blog post is a reaction to another blog post written by a friend of mines. In it he posted a quote which I will forward....

"a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own valuewill want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desiresof its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capableof the depravity of a desire devoid of love."

After Reading this quote I couldn't help but reflect on its message. I felt like it hit home pretty hard. Like it was written for me or even possibly about me, It descibed not only things I had expressed to others but hit deeper to ideas that dwelt much deeper. It talks about a man's sex life reflecting his own self value and image of who he is. In recent history I have definitley seen this devaluation between my own self image and my sex life. It really had very little to do with how much I valued my partners and much more to do with how I saw myself. both physically and mentally. I am not necessarily in complete agreement with everything said in the above quote but I definitely found it to be worth mulling over.

I'm not sure wether or not anything about me will change but I have definitely realized I need to place more value into my self image and so into my sex life.

It's kinda crazy to think about how short this life really is. So time passes and I still can't help but feeling just as clueless about anything and ever

Another Day to Unload

So this morning I woke up around 8:00am and got my usual breakfast, eggs and oatmeal. Don't judge too much the combination has been working for me pretty well. After eating I went back up to my room where i continued to get ready and attempt to study some more for my two midterms today. I took a shower and hurried up out the door cause I needed to get down to the book store so I could by some number 2 pencils for myself and jacob.

10:00am, began my first midterm (BA101) it was multiple choice and they answers came pretty quickly and without delay. I ended up being like the 4th person done with the test. Hopefully it was speed without error but I'll find out on thursday. After the test I had some time to kill so i went on to the library to attempt to get some studying done. However no studying was to be had, I pretty much checkd my email and facebook before I got a phone call from my room mate, After talking to him I noticed my phone was low on batteries so i proceeded to head back to the dorms and get it charged.

12:00pm, I sat down in my MTH 241 class humored by the young proffessors normal manerisms. He addressed us with a few quick tid bits of how boring his weekend was and suggested that he live vicariously through our weekend stories. however he was met with no such luck the audience was unamused and reluctant to help the poor guy out. I studied for my MTH 243 test while I sat attempting to learn about derivatives.

1:00pm, Made it all the way out to the CLS building on 18th in order to take my MTH 243 midterm. The one I had been dreading but i calmed myself by choosing to believe I had covered all the material that would be on the test. Got into the classroom sat down and to my suprise he person sitting next to me was a girl I had met previously at one of brandon's parties... I hadnt realized before that point that she was even in the same class. After the test was handed out I read through the Instructions... only 11 MC questions and 1 show your work.... I was excited that was until I saw the questions... I honestly only knew answers to probably half of the test as for the rest we will just have to see. This all has compiled to inform me of one truth... I need to study more for this class.

Right now I cant stop thinking about this girl sitting next to me, not that she is necessarily anything different or special more so cause she is symbolic of a new start. A symbol of opportunity and change, a constant reminder that I litteraly have the whole world before me and the choices I have the privelage to make, in my relationships, in my school, and in my career. Her name is Laura.

Too Much Livin too Little Memories

So its definitely been a while since I last wrote in this blog. Kind of a sad twist of fate really cause i traded off living and being busy for capturing life's experiances and memories. Although I do admit I have had a good year to date nay a great year. UO plus early 20's life has exceeded my expectations... I have learned alot about tact with aggression, I have learned my weeknesses and my strengths. I feel that this year has offered me a look into the things that drive me and others as well as what truly makes me happy. I hope and plan to take what I have learned this year and apply it to the more serious parts of my life.

I have learned that I am a social person, I need to be immersed in a social enviroment that both challenges me and supports me in my life goals. Last year I was far removed from a fitting social scene and it definitely showed. Over the course of this year I found myself immersed in a variety of social scenes, some that were really good fits and others that were definitely not my type. No matter what groups I make an effort to hang out with I always take something away from it. I also discovered that I am a social networker, perhaps this is my greatest attraction to being a business major. I also do enjoy certain fascets of marketing and accounting but I strongly beleive that my desire and ability to connect talent together is the biggest pull I have in pursuing a Business Administration degree.

I also learned my ability to seperate physical intamacy from emotional. I really didnt think I would be able to sever the connection on the level that I have. Someday my emotions will resurfice but for now they continue to hide out.

For another topic, I hate my skin, cant stand it, wish i could have someone elses but i know im stuck with it. Its the only part of my life that I feel i dont have complete control over... and that bothers me cause I am somewhat of a transcendentalist meets free-market libertarian, which means I have a pretty well founded beleif that personal choice influences 90% of life's outcome. (another reason I am a business major). Perhaps however it is good that I have one thing in my life i dont have control over, it helps me sympathise with people who dont have control over their lives.