Love, Lust, and College.

Two full wash cycles, a good chunk of stain remover and one morning later; I had finally cleaned my futon cover. I was attempting to correct the bi-product of valentines day. I spent that day in good company and yet I was definitely alone. By all standards I wasnt but i felt alone, intamately isolated.

This blog post is a reaction to another blog post written by a friend of mines. In it he posted a quote which I will forward....

"a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own valuewill want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desiresof its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capableof the depravity of a desire devoid of love."

After Reading this quote I couldn't help but reflect on its message. I felt like it hit home pretty hard. Like it was written for me or even possibly about me, It descibed not only things I had expressed to others but hit deeper to ideas that dwelt much deeper. It talks about a man's sex life reflecting his own self value and image of who he is. In recent history I have definitley seen this devaluation between my own self image and my sex life. It really had very little to do with how much I valued my partners and much more to do with how I saw myself. both physically and mentally. I am not necessarily in complete agreement with everything said in the above quote but I definitely found it to be worth mulling over.

I'm not sure wether or not anything about me will change but I have definitely realized I need to place more value into my self image and so into my sex life.

It's kinda crazy to think about how short this life really is. So time passes and I still can't help but feeling just as clueless about anything and ever