Done waiting to be someone else!

Prelude

Throughout my life I have moments, where a synapsis happens in my brain that causes an epipheny. Those epiphenies lead to dreams and visions, and those dreams motivate and drive me to do something with my life and to help others do something with theirs. When I was younger about the age of 12 I began getting a surge of this thought pattern. However about half way through my senior year those thoughts began to fail and so did my ability to envision a future for myself. Closely following suite was a nihilistic attitude, degregation of morales, and a lacking work ethic.

Today, however I had an epipheny, and almost instantly it sparked a dream. A vision of what I could be and where I could do and that their is a purpose for my efforts. For the first time in a long time my perspective changed dramatically. I can't say whether or not this new perspective will last but it gave me a taste of a life far more meaningful than the one I am living now. One that is for more than my own benefit. Yes a life that would be rewarding to myself and to those around me, I am not saying that my actions wont be based on selfish motives because they probably will be. What I am saying is that the bi-products of my own actions though selfish would benefit those around me; stark contrast to what I have been doing of late where at best my actions leave those around me uneffected.

My Vision

So I began to see myself as an agent of change, but in a direction not originally forseen. I saw myself as an economic analyst turned political activist. I saw myself as an influential figure in the world of finance. I saw myself preaching fervently about concepts and idealogy that would change our society for the better. I saw myself reaching out to the common man, the factory worker, the railroad engineer, and the inner city high school graduate.

I began to rant about a change in the monetary system. I began to rant about gauranteeing freely enterable markets. I began to speak passionately about a reformed and hybrid educations system that incorperated both public and private schooling. I saw in my vision that I, I a man of humble begginnings could make a difference and that the best difference I could make is to insure that our society continues to protect that opportunity. As I began to see my vision unfolding I noticed that I was not an agent of corporate america, I was not sales obsessed CEO or a manipulative accountant. (not bashing those proffesions I admire them and once dreamed of becoming either.) but I realized my passion was sourced out of my fascination with economics.

I daily watch CNN, Mad Money, and read Harper's Magazine, Its actually quite odd that I didnt realize my obsession untill now. I also back political candidates like Ron Paul and cringe when I see John McCain as the Republican nominee. I haven't switched my major quite yet but I am going to be meeting with a career advisor this next term and attempt to figure out what I need to do.

Well I need to go to bed so consider this Part One of a two part series.

Being a Macro-Aggregate Electronicus

As of late I have spent alot of my time doing well, nothing. I guess saying that I have been doing nothing would not be fair to myself or life in general. I have however been doing very little to make any progress whatsoever in my life. In the last two weeks it seems as though I spent most of my time being sick and now that I am not sick I still havent managed to regain my life that existed before. That is why now at 5:34am I am writing in my blog, not because I woke up early but because this is the time at which i am normally headed off to bed to sleep another day away. Why sleep during the day? well simply put its because I have nothing better to do.

I recently went to a few parties they where alright nothing too exciting. Life just seems kinda drab, however I am finding new excitement in the world of web developement and tampering. Kinda just playing around with computers. It has definitely been a while since I last sat down and just actually played around with different applications and web tools. I have also been doing some exploring on the internet in general. Finding clothing on sites like shirt.woot.com, http://www.threadless.com/ and http://www.noisebot.com/. All three of those sites specializing in graphic tees.

I also have been spending a bit of time on http://www.smashingmagazine.com/ a site for anybody who is doing alot of graphic web design and or just about anything techy.

Going to cut things short here but ill try to be more organized and coherent in future posts.

I am thought, I am now.

In my recent ponderings and self searching I decided that I am. The very fact that I exist and that I am past, present and future is reassuring enough of an identity. I came to terms with this over the course of 4 years. Beggining with the question every teenager asks, "Who am I." The real question most people should be asking is, "What is I." or to put it in a little simpler terms how do you define this perceptual compilation of experiances that make us, well us.

When I first set out on this quest of identity, I tried to label myself as a christian, as a good student, as an athlete, as a computer geek. I tried to identify myself by the variety of my past actions. I beleive most people choose to define themselves by the average of their past actions. Even I am guilty of such labeling, I've done it most of my life. However in recent and I mean very recent history I discovered that this formula of Identity is completely false and unfair to one's self or "I." This archaic form of labeling is null and void because it only takes into account the past and negates the present and future selve's.

There is a time in our lives however where this sense of identity is almost abandoned. During an individuals educational period they are often labeled in future tense instead of past. For example one might say, "She's going to be a successful lawyer some day," or, "Hes going to make a great husband." Although this does give light to a dim variety in the way we see other's and ourselves it still limits, entitles, and unfairly influences who we are. Perhaps my unsettled feeling towards this sources out of my own concerns for where I am at in my present life. I definitely don't see myself fullfilling the typical "success" story at this point in my life. Nor do I wish to limit my future decisions based on a false identity of what I am capable of and or what I should be able to accomplish.

Although this was a brief rambeling of my thoughts, I just wanted to make it known that today I choose to see myself as past, present and future. Without labels, without guided terms, only to add to my life's experiences and appreciate them without a filter.

*I apologize for any incoherencies present in this writing I didnt edit or review its contents before posting.