Being a Macro-Aggregate Electronicus

As of late I have spent alot of my time doing well, nothing. I guess saying that I have been doing nothing would not be fair to myself or life in general. I have however been doing very little to make any progress whatsoever in my life. In the last two weeks it seems as though I spent most of my time being sick and now that I am not sick I still havent managed to regain my life that existed before. That is why now at 5:34am I am writing in my blog, not because I woke up early but because this is the time at which i am normally headed off to bed to sleep another day away. Why sleep during the day? well simply put its because I have nothing better to do.

I recently went to a few parties they where alright nothing too exciting. Life just seems kinda drab, however I am finding new excitement in the world of web developement and tampering. Kinda just playing around with computers. It has definitely been a while since I last sat down and just actually played around with different applications and web tools. I have also been doing some exploring on the internet in general. Finding clothing on sites like shirt.woot.com, http://www.threadless.com/ and http://www.noisebot.com/. All three of those sites specializing in graphic tees.

I also have been spending a bit of time on http://www.smashingmagazine.com/ a site for anybody who is doing alot of graphic web design and or just about anything techy.

Going to cut things short here but ill try to be more organized and coherent in future posts.

I am thought, I am now.

In my recent ponderings and self searching I decided that I am. The very fact that I exist and that I am past, present and future is reassuring enough of an identity. I came to terms with this over the course of 4 years. Beggining with the question every teenager asks, "Who am I." The real question most people should be asking is, "What is I." or to put it in a little simpler terms how do you define this perceptual compilation of experiances that make us, well us.

When I first set out on this quest of identity, I tried to label myself as a christian, as a good student, as an athlete, as a computer geek. I tried to identify myself by the variety of my past actions. I beleive most people choose to define themselves by the average of their past actions. Even I am guilty of such labeling, I've done it most of my life. However in recent and I mean very recent history I discovered that this formula of Identity is completely false and unfair to one's self or "I." This archaic form of labeling is null and void because it only takes into account the past and negates the present and future selve's.

There is a time in our lives however where this sense of identity is almost abandoned. During an individuals educational period they are often labeled in future tense instead of past. For example one might say, "She's going to be a successful lawyer some day," or, "Hes going to make a great husband." Although this does give light to a dim variety in the way we see other's and ourselves it still limits, entitles, and unfairly influences who we are. Perhaps my unsettled feeling towards this sources out of my own concerns for where I am at in my present life. I definitely don't see myself fullfilling the typical "success" story at this point in my life. Nor do I wish to limit my future decisions based on a false identity of what I am capable of and or what I should be able to accomplish.

Although this was a brief rambeling of my thoughts, I just wanted to make it known that today I choose to see myself as past, present and future. Without labels, without guided terms, only to add to my life's experiences and appreciate them without a filter.

*I apologize for any incoherencies present in this writing I didnt edit or review its contents before posting.

Love, Lust, and College.

Two full wash cycles, a good chunk of stain remover and one morning later; I had finally cleaned my futon cover. I was attempting to correct the bi-product of valentines day. I spent that day in good company and yet I was definitely alone. By all standards I wasnt but i felt alone, intamately isolated.

This blog post is a reaction to another blog post written by a friend of mines. In it he posted a quote which I will forward....

"a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own valuewill want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desiresof its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capableof the depravity of a desire devoid of love."

After Reading this quote I couldn't help but reflect on its message. I felt like it hit home pretty hard. Like it was written for me or even possibly about me, It descibed not only things I had expressed to others but hit deeper to ideas that dwelt much deeper. It talks about a man's sex life reflecting his own self value and image of who he is. In recent history I have definitley seen this devaluation between my own self image and my sex life. It really had very little to do with how much I valued my partners and much more to do with how I saw myself. both physically and mentally. I am not necessarily in complete agreement with everything said in the above quote but I definitely found it to be worth mulling over.

I'm not sure wether or not anything about me will change but I have definitely realized I need to place more value into my self image and so into my sex life.

It's kinda crazy to think about how short this life really is. So time passes and I still can't help but feeling just as clueless about anything and ever