Summer 2008

Summer to date has been quite the ride. Started out by moving back in with my parents in Hermiston Oregon. Upon arrival back at the house i quickly discovered that my room had been taken over as an extended storage room for my parents. After about a week the room was finally cleared. The two main reasons I moved back to Hermiston was; 1. living at my parents house provided me with a rent free place to live; 2. I had a job lined up with OfficeMax and I didnt feel like applying for a job down in Eugene.

I resumed my job at OfficeMax to discover that my department had slightly restructered. Kori the new supervisor is pretty cool and isnt much older than myself so we have quite a bit in common. Overall however the department runs alot the same as it did except perhaps a bit more organized of an operation.

While in Hermiston I couldnt help but pick up my work of freelance computer consulting and repair. In fact I am currently in the process of creating my own business out of the whole ordeal.

Mid summer I had a suprise surgery that took me out for a while wasnt to happy with that kinda put a damper in the business and especially my bicycling. Guess I am not going to be able to do any of the longer rides I had planned for this summer.

Well its late and This post is far to short so Ill have to write more later.

Modern Slavery

Tonight I went to an awareness speach on human trafficing. I felt like their message was valid and that I should forward my efforts in raising awareness by posting a few of their facts here in my blog:

Every year thousands of children will be sold for the purpose of forced commercial sex. Girls as young as fice years old are trafficed into brothels where they will be tortured, abused and raped. After years of abuse these children become disposable people within the cultures of their own country. Released from servituted into the streets, they continue commercial sex work, resort to drugs and alcohol, suffer from sexually transmitted diseases, and ultimately, many resort to suicide.

This tragic scenario is uniquely pervasive in Southeast Asia, with Cambodia serving as the unfortunate epicenter of recruitment and enslavement in commercial sex trade. The problem is so compelling that it demands a response from the international community to help bring an end to this kind of exploitation and abuse.

Currently groups like Transitions Cambodia, Inc (http://www.transitionscambodia.org/) and International Justice Mission (http://www.ijm.org/) are working on rescuing women trapped in the sex trade as well as aiding to the capturing of criminals involved in the sex trade.

Done waiting to be someone else!

Prelude

Throughout my life I have moments, where a synapsis happens in my brain that causes an epipheny. Those epiphenies lead to dreams and visions, and those dreams motivate and drive me to do something with my life and to help others do something with theirs. When I was younger about the age of 12 I began getting a surge of this thought pattern. However about half way through my senior year those thoughts began to fail and so did my ability to envision a future for myself. Closely following suite was a nihilistic attitude, degregation of morales, and a lacking work ethic.

Today, however I had an epipheny, and almost instantly it sparked a dream. A vision of what I could be and where I could do and that their is a purpose for my efforts. For the first time in a long time my perspective changed dramatically. I can't say whether or not this new perspective will last but it gave me a taste of a life far more meaningful than the one I am living now. One that is for more than my own benefit. Yes a life that would be rewarding to myself and to those around me, I am not saying that my actions wont be based on selfish motives because they probably will be. What I am saying is that the bi-products of my own actions though selfish would benefit those around me; stark contrast to what I have been doing of late where at best my actions leave those around me uneffected.

My Vision

So I began to see myself as an agent of change, but in a direction not originally forseen. I saw myself as an economic analyst turned political activist. I saw myself as an influential figure in the world of finance. I saw myself preaching fervently about concepts and idealogy that would change our society for the better. I saw myself reaching out to the common man, the factory worker, the railroad engineer, and the inner city high school graduate.

I began to rant about a change in the monetary system. I began to rant about gauranteeing freely enterable markets. I began to speak passionately about a reformed and hybrid educations system that incorperated both public and private schooling. I saw in my vision that I, I a man of humble begginnings could make a difference and that the best difference I could make is to insure that our society continues to protect that opportunity. As I began to see my vision unfolding I noticed that I was not an agent of corporate america, I was not sales obsessed CEO or a manipulative accountant. (not bashing those proffesions I admire them and once dreamed of becoming either.) but I realized my passion was sourced out of my fascination with economics.

I daily watch CNN, Mad Money, and read Harper's Magazine, Its actually quite odd that I didnt realize my obsession untill now. I also back political candidates like Ron Paul and cringe when I see John McCain as the Republican nominee. I haven't switched my major quite yet but I am going to be meeting with a career advisor this next term and attempt to figure out what I need to do.

Well I need to go to bed so consider this Part One of a two part series.

Being a Macro-Aggregate Electronicus

As of late I have spent alot of my time doing well, nothing. I guess saying that I have been doing nothing would not be fair to myself or life in general. I have however been doing very little to make any progress whatsoever in my life. In the last two weeks it seems as though I spent most of my time being sick and now that I am not sick I still havent managed to regain my life that existed before. That is why now at 5:34am I am writing in my blog, not because I woke up early but because this is the time at which i am normally headed off to bed to sleep another day away. Why sleep during the day? well simply put its because I have nothing better to do.

I recently went to a few parties they where alright nothing too exciting. Life just seems kinda drab, however I am finding new excitement in the world of web developement and tampering. Kinda just playing around with computers. It has definitely been a while since I last sat down and just actually played around with different applications and web tools. I have also been doing some exploring on the internet in general. Finding clothing on sites like shirt.woot.com, http://www.threadless.com/ and http://www.noisebot.com/. All three of those sites specializing in graphic tees.

I also have been spending a bit of time on http://www.smashingmagazine.com/ a site for anybody who is doing alot of graphic web design and or just about anything techy.

Going to cut things short here but ill try to be more organized and coherent in future posts.

I am thought, I am now.

In my recent ponderings and self searching I decided that I am. The very fact that I exist and that I am past, present and future is reassuring enough of an identity. I came to terms with this over the course of 4 years. Beggining with the question every teenager asks, "Who am I." The real question most people should be asking is, "What is I." or to put it in a little simpler terms how do you define this perceptual compilation of experiances that make us, well us.

When I first set out on this quest of identity, I tried to label myself as a christian, as a good student, as an athlete, as a computer geek. I tried to identify myself by the variety of my past actions. I beleive most people choose to define themselves by the average of their past actions. Even I am guilty of such labeling, I've done it most of my life. However in recent and I mean very recent history I discovered that this formula of Identity is completely false and unfair to one's self or "I." This archaic form of labeling is null and void because it only takes into account the past and negates the present and future selve's.

There is a time in our lives however where this sense of identity is almost abandoned. During an individuals educational period they are often labeled in future tense instead of past. For example one might say, "She's going to be a successful lawyer some day," or, "Hes going to make a great husband." Although this does give light to a dim variety in the way we see other's and ourselves it still limits, entitles, and unfairly influences who we are. Perhaps my unsettled feeling towards this sources out of my own concerns for where I am at in my present life. I definitely don't see myself fullfilling the typical "success" story at this point in my life. Nor do I wish to limit my future decisions based on a false identity of what I am capable of and or what I should be able to accomplish.

Although this was a brief rambeling of my thoughts, I just wanted to make it known that today I choose to see myself as past, present and future. Without labels, without guided terms, only to add to my life's experiences and appreciate them without a filter.

*I apologize for any incoherencies present in this writing I didnt edit or review its contents before posting.

Love, Lust, and College.

Two full wash cycles, a good chunk of stain remover and one morning later; I had finally cleaned my futon cover. I was attempting to correct the bi-product of valentines day. I spent that day in good company and yet I was definitely alone. By all standards I wasnt but i felt alone, intamately isolated.

This blog post is a reaction to another blog post written by a friend of mines. In it he posted a quote which I will forward....

"a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own valuewill want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desiresof its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capableof the depravity of a desire devoid of love."

After Reading this quote I couldn't help but reflect on its message. I felt like it hit home pretty hard. Like it was written for me or even possibly about me, It descibed not only things I had expressed to others but hit deeper to ideas that dwelt much deeper. It talks about a man's sex life reflecting his own self value and image of who he is. In recent history I have definitley seen this devaluation between my own self image and my sex life. It really had very little to do with how much I valued my partners and much more to do with how I saw myself. both physically and mentally. I am not necessarily in complete agreement with everything said in the above quote but I definitely found it to be worth mulling over.

I'm not sure wether or not anything about me will change but I have definitely realized I need to place more value into my self image and so into my sex life.

It's kinda crazy to think about how short this life really is. So time passes and I still can't help but feeling just as clueless about anything and ever

Another Day to Unload

So this morning I woke up around 8:00am and got my usual breakfast, eggs and oatmeal. Don't judge too much the combination has been working for me pretty well. After eating I went back up to my room where i continued to get ready and attempt to study some more for my two midterms today. I took a shower and hurried up out the door cause I needed to get down to the book store so I could by some number 2 pencils for myself and jacob.

10:00am, began my first midterm (BA101) it was multiple choice and they answers came pretty quickly and without delay. I ended up being like the 4th person done with the test. Hopefully it was speed without error but I'll find out on thursday. After the test I had some time to kill so i went on to the library to attempt to get some studying done. However no studying was to be had, I pretty much checkd my email and facebook before I got a phone call from my room mate, After talking to him I noticed my phone was low on batteries so i proceeded to head back to the dorms and get it charged.

12:00pm, I sat down in my MTH 241 class humored by the young proffessors normal manerisms. He addressed us with a few quick tid bits of how boring his weekend was and suggested that he live vicariously through our weekend stories. however he was met with no such luck the audience was unamused and reluctant to help the poor guy out. I studied for my MTH 243 test while I sat attempting to learn about derivatives.

1:00pm, Made it all the way out to the CLS building on 18th in order to take my MTH 243 midterm. The one I had been dreading but i calmed myself by choosing to believe I had covered all the material that would be on the test. Got into the classroom sat down and to my suprise he person sitting next to me was a girl I had met previously at one of brandon's parties... I hadnt realized before that point that she was even in the same class. After the test was handed out I read through the Instructions... only 11 MC questions and 1 show your work.... I was excited that was until I saw the questions... I honestly only knew answers to probably half of the test as for the rest we will just have to see. This all has compiled to inform me of one truth... I need to study more for this class.

Right now I cant stop thinking about this girl sitting next to me, not that she is necessarily anything different or special more so cause she is symbolic of a new start. A symbol of opportunity and change, a constant reminder that I litteraly have the whole world before me and the choices I have the privelage to make, in my relationships, in my school, and in my career. Her name is Laura.

Too Much Livin too Little Memories

So its definitely been a while since I last wrote in this blog. Kind of a sad twist of fate really cause i traded off living and being busy for capturing life's experiances and memories. Although I do admit I have had a good year to date nay a great year. UO plus early 20's life has exceeded my expectations... I have learned alot about tact with aggression, I have learned my weeknesses and my strengths. I feel that this year has offered me a look into the things that drive me and others as well as what truly makes me happy. I hope and plan to take what I have learned this year and apply it to the more serious parts of my life.

I have learned that I am a social person, I need to be immersed in a social enviroment that both challenges me and supports me in my life goals. Last year I was far removed from a fitting social scene and it definitely showed. Over the course of this year I found myself immersed in a variety of social scenes, some that were really good fits and others that were definitely not my type. No matter what groups I make an effort to hang out with I always take something away from it. I also discovered that I am a social networker, perhaps this is my greatest attraction to being a business major. I also do enjoy certain fascets of marketing and accounting but I strongly beleive that my desire and ability to connect talent together is the biggest pull I have in pursuing a Business Administration degree.

I also learned my ability to seperate physical intamacy from emotional. I really didnt think I would be able to sever the connection on the level that I have. Someday my emotions will resurfice but for now they continue to hide out.

For another topic, I hate my skin, cant stand it, wish i could have someone elses but i know im stuck with it. Its the only part of my life that I feel i dont have complete control over... and that bothers me cause I am somewhat of a transcendentalist meets free-market libertarian, which means I have a pretty well founded beleif that personal choice influences 90% of life's outcome. (another reason I am a business major). Perhaps however it is good that I have one thing in my life i dont have control over, it helps me sympathise with people who dont have control over their lives.