Re-Vision for Life

When I originally started this web log it was because I wanted to document not only the events in my life but the transformation of my changing perspective.  Over the course of the last two years I obviously have stepped away from the keyboard and put down my attempts to catalog or even track any of my life's events in text.  Facebook photos coupled with occasional posts will be the only witness to my last few years of life. I have however, despite my own opinion, been pretty busy.  Since I last posted I have been married and divorced, deployed once again, sold and bought several vehicles, forgotten and rediscovered different hobbies.  Yet despite all these activities there is one thing that sticks with me, I have forgotten what I set out to get in this brief chaotic life.  Perhaps I feel as though I lost my way a bit because I stopped taking time to "check the map" or record my progress.  All the same I hope to use this post to kind of make re-envision what I hope to gain in this life.

I really find myself enjoying the thought of sitting in a book store reading books yet I rarely do it.  I also really enjoy the idea of being a cyclist yet I ride maybe once or twice a month.  I actually thoroughly enjoy the pursuit of knowledge in the technical field yet I feel very much a novice in many of it's subjects.  I have romantic aspirations yet often shy away from engagements because they feel too overwhelming and full of potential failure.   This paragraph is full of the word "I" for a reason and it is because of my very singular focus on why contentment and happiness has not found me nor I it.  In approximately eight months the Marine Corps will begin it's journey in becoming a distant memory and long held dreams of returning to a college campus will materialize.  I want so badly to take time away from my career in order to rediscover what it is that I wanted in the first place.  Perhaps I will find it there, despite logic telling me to continue on in the work force immediately after my impending exit from the Corps.

Perhaps then I will sit and read more books in libraries and bookstores; cycle daily to and from activities, pursue knowledge in and out of the class room.  Perhaps is a big word, one that taunts me from afar while I sit and speculate.  For now I will prepare and await the next chapter of my life.

"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes" -Mahatma Gandhi

Times Not Forgotten

Sitting here listening to the Shins some how reminds me of my 2008 summer with untold potential and good friends. The keenest memory still lingering in my mind took place at a good friend Curtis Bartley's house well to be specific his parent's house. We were all back in town for the summer and by all back in town I am referring to the migration between college and high school town that tends to occur every summer and winter break. I was working at the time for Office Max and had some work on the side with my part time company C&D Technical. I had a busy week working countless hours during the day at Office Max developing graphics design projects and spent my early mornings and evenings running around doing work for various jobs with my newly founded company. In the evenings I would put miles on my bicycle pretending someday I would put Lance Armstrong's records to shame. At this juncture however in my memory I was sitting in my friends back yard with a fire going and we were drinking wine coolers and beer. Present was Curtis of course and my friends, Kris, Saje, Keith, and I believe Tyler. Our conversations ranged from Technical, seeing as most of us worked or studied in related fields, to Political as they often do when a good group of friends stay up late drinking in the summer. Some of my friends at the time were curious Marxists while I remained at the time an exploratory Libertarian. We would argue objectively back and forth about various pros and cons to either side of the argument always arriving at impasses mostly due to our lack of knowledge on either doctrine. Don't get me wrong we were as informed as we could be for the ages of 21, but even then the extent of our knowledge on political philosophy was no where near that of the authors writing the books we preached. All in all in the midst of this busy summer in the midst of all the hectic day to day activities I always remembered the joy of stopping from time to time to enjoy a cold drink with my friends and bullshit until anything and everything had been debated and brought to somewhat blurry conclusions. I just remembered how when I drove home I thought to myself I hope we can continue this tradition next summer... February of the next year I joined the Marine Corps.

I guess what I am trying to get at is despite where my life may take me and how out of contact I may seem, I will always remember the various relationships I had with friends throughout and I remember the times we had together. You are not forgotten.

The feeling after the party is over.

Almost always in life most people live for the high, the big moment when all the peaces of the puzzle fit together when everything is just right! It is why we watch movies, for that ending seen when Luke and the ewoks defeat the empire or Frodo delivers the ring to Mount Doom! Same reason so many people watch criminal investigation or cop shows because they want to watch the development up until the bad guy gets caught. We live for graduations, marriages, birthdays, sports championships, we live for all the big and grand successes in life.

Although I do say that success is one of my favorite things to enjoy in life its not the only thing. Growing up have always found solace when the party was over, after all the celebrating had come to an end. When I was little I loved having birthday parties and the like but I always found that after the party I truly felt the happiest. The same experience seemed to grip me in college, although the parties and the games were all lots of fun I always felt happiest laying there on the couch in the family room observing the stoic and quiet nature of the house, knowing that hours earlier it was roaring with activity. I find the same in nature, on hikes or camping trips that it is at the end during the time of reflection that the most pure happiness seems to overwhelm. I know because it is freed of all excitement, hype and outside influence it is the moment when you look back and realize what you experienced was real, valid and added more to the richness of your life. You can ask almost anyone, most people always remember things better than they were, yes college was hard and or confusing for most people but most will also say it was the best time of their life. How often do you hear the phrase, "man those were the days!"

I began pondering this subject thinking so far on my military career and experience. It seems as though a lot of people I know constantly complain or whine about being in the Marine Corps and dealing with a lot of the bull shit they put you through. While I was thinking about whether or not it really did suck I decided to look back and decide how I viewed my past experiences so far. The Marine Corps has been in my life a great experience full of a lot of memories with friends I may never see again but I know they enriched my life and hopefully me theirs. I am looking forward now knowing that this organization is not all bad as some claim it to be, wondering how I can improve both my experience and that of others. This doesn't mean that I have suddenly become all eurah, semper-fi motarded I just think that all this negativity and anti-motivation isn't creating an environment or memories that better anyones life. Yes the Marine Corps isn't entirely fair, yes sometimes it sucks or doesn't make sense but the reality is complaining about it like a bitch doesn't help anyone. Not saying that I haven't done my fair share of complaining under my breath, but its time to move forward and embrace life and the corps for what it is.

I am sure that when this current party is over I will look back on all that I had done and feel no regret but only sentimental thoughts about the times I had with my friends and Co-Workers.

Sand Castles

Sometimes I feel as though I have nothing to write. I feel as though I am out of practice with writing itself and expressing my thoughts in text requires more energy than I want to muster. However difficult it may sometimes be I still need to write something to remember I am still exist that I have some level of consciousness. It is reassurance that I am able to still create new thought in some organized fashion. My job working as a Satellite Communications Tech requires that I setup, configure and troubleshoot other people's creations. Although I feel like there is some creation and original thought in creating ways to work around issues. All in all I still need to vent creativity in a more extended format.

I recently have been feeling a little more awakened and directed in my life. Since I have been deployed I have had a lot more time of my own to manage and with that new projects to pursue. I have quite a few ambitions which range from continuing my pursuits in server administration to economics. I want to create something big in this life but in order to to that it is going to take a lot of little steps and accomplishments build.

Today was a big day for me and yet I actually didn't do that much at all. I woke up ate breakfast, went downstairs to my gym for about 30 minutes followed up with a shower. Following my shower I got online and was able to talk to my Girlfriend, it seems like no matter what is going on in the rest of my life my day is invariably influenced by her. Needless to say the rest of the day didn't matter I was happy and content with where my life was at and headed. I did get to play with our pet monkey a little bit more today however, he is really cool and he is terrified of our dogs. I had been walking around the back and one of our dogs was following me and as I walked past the monkey's house he jumped on my shoulder and started yelling at the dog peaking out from behind my shoulder.

I also recently finished The Left the Right and The State it wasn't much of a book more like a collection of articles (which it was) that had collective thought but became very repetitive. It also lacked a full perspective, seeing that it was written over the course of decades. The message over all was more of the typical Libertarian/Rothbardian rhetoric. Focusing on monetary policies, renunciation of public programs and restrictions on personal liberties. I recommend it for individuals who want an intermediate perspective into Libertarian policy. I thought Ron Paul's book Revolution: A Manifesto or Ludwig Von Mises' Economic Policy are better introductions to the theories if you are not already familiar. Next on my list of books to read is Murray Rothbard's Case for the 100% Gold Dollar and John Locke's Two Treatise of Government.

Being deployed is an awesome opportunity and I have been enjoying every minute of it. Don't get me wrong though I can't wait for the day to be back in the United States and be with family and friends. I think I am going to leave this paragraph unfinished much like my life.

The Next Chapter

I just finished watching "The Social Network" and have been attempting to internalize the thoughts that have been running through my head since. Although I feel like my life is on the verge of another chapter entirely I feel a sense of stagnation. A sense that I need to move onto something new something greater. I have had this feeling a lot in my life I suppose i should give it tribute to most of my career decisions to date. Part of the reason I joined the Marine Corps among many others was my in ability not to embrace this fleeting emotion. Apparently locking myself into a law binding contract really helps with overcoming it.

My thoughts of late have given me more pause, Although I can not fully embrace these Ideas I can however begin to plan to put myself in a position to better execute them when I am in a position to do so. I want to be able to create and build and express design however feeling confined in my current state it creates a bit of claustrophobia.

I leave in a few days. I wont be back for 9 months, and when I do it will not be the same person who wrote this string of text. It will be a new more evolved state of me, I just can't help but wonder what he will look like and how he will act. Will he be more energetic? or perhaps stronger and faster? I fear at times he will degrade over these coming months though optimistically push those thoughts out of my mind. All I know is I can't wait to meet him and if all goes well show him off to my family and friends.

Splice: Macro Aggregate Electronicus meets Information Accumulus

Lately I have been feeling a lot like a sponge lately attempting to soak in every ounce of knowledge possible. Mostly centralized around the subjects of Technological Development in the areas of space flight and cloud computing; as well as in Economics regarding employment and centralized banking.

In the past couple years I have been following Elon Musk's company Space X and its endeavor to privatize space flight. Recently they have made several break though accomplishments with their launch of falcon 1 in order to deliver on a private contract to put a satellite into space; and the successful orbital launch of falcon 9 (their platform designed to ship supplies and personnel to the international space station). With all these success it brought me to ask who else is out there competing for space flight contracts (It seems that it is no longer just national super powers competing these days). I discovered that Lockheed Martin and Boeing formed a joint venture under the title of United Launch Alliance, LLC. That has developed several launch vehicles already and despite close ties with existing government contracts lost the bid to Space X. However they continue to develope technologies in hopes to win future bids. Also in the race is Blue Origins and Orbital. Orbital seems to be going off the same platform as Space X. Cheap reliable launch platform with smaller scalability than the historical launch platforms. Meanwhile Blue Origins is in an entirely different market that is set out a little further in the future, trying to develop take off and landing technologies. Of course I can't leave out Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic and their Space Ship Two, which is really in its own industry (space tourism). All in all its pretty exciting to see where these companies might take their ambitions in the next decade. Private ventures in space flight are long overdue, we are just now entering the "Space Race" part deuce.

The world of cloud computing is also continually accelerating and a faster and faster rate the fact that when I post this blog it the RSS feed from this site will also post to various social networking sites that I belong to is proof enough. Also the twitter feed at the top of this blog that receives updates from my phone and posts them on twitter, Facebook and here all instantaneously. The fact that I now store 90% of all my personal and school documents on Google Docs. I don't even store much of a personal music collection anymore, I have 5 or 6 songs physically located on either my phone or computer. Thanks to Pandora, Last FM and Slacker Radio I no longer have the need to constantly hunt down and buy album upon album of music from my favorite artists when they can be accurately delivered to me via internet radio. All this and other observations have brought me to consider who is profiting from these markets. Well obviously we have all the Social Networking sites on top of that you have Google, Apple, and Microsoft as pretty big players. One of the ever more increasing characteristics that define choices in cloud participation is the consumers phone platform. An individual with Google's Android is more likely to take advantage of cloud computing supported by the applications within its OS. Counter to that Microsofts new Kin encourages its users to participate in Microsoft's Live community. Of course Apple continues to build on its iPhone platform not really taking full advantage of its opportunities but still doing well for itself. The success of these three cloud computing giants is going to drastically be determined by its mobile user base. As society continues to become more mobilized we should start to see a heavy dependence on cloud computing. I expect to see a surplus of jobs available in fields ranging form communications, database management, software development and wireless infrastructure development.

To continue with my outline I have also been reading the works of Murray N. Rothbard, and I have been discovering quite a few simple truths from his writings regarding monetary policy and centralized banking. He talks about the historical implementations of centralized control and its abuses along with the common sense of having market driven commodity based currencies. Also the dishonesties of banking based on a pure fiat currency and its contribution to mass inflation and consequential market corrections that would ensue. I recommend picking up his book What has the government done with our money? as well as looking into other authors such as Ludwig Von Mises, Ron Paul, Lew Rockwell.

I sometimes come across as a gold nut or a tea party fanatic. The term tea party is just the medias attempt to bring several movements under one name for easier definition the reality is that I am a pro limited government libertarian who believes in common sense government. The upholding of laws and regulations. That concludes this blog posting or better titled rant. Thanks for reading.

It has been some time

Well, lets see its been a while since my last post and a lot has transpired. Since my last post I have graduated from my school in Pensacola Florida, taken leave to Oregon, moved to Hawaii, and have enrolled in courses at Hawaii Pacific University. I also met an amazing girl while in Florida and had an awesome time with her and with the friends I made in my 8 months living there. I look forward to recreating a similar experience while living here in Hawaii.

I graduated from my Marine Corps A school with a 97% at the top of my class. (Bragging a little I know) I found the course material to be somewhat informative however lacking in overall competence. Memorizing a bunch of random technical specifications about a varied grouping of comm equipment really doesn't make you effective at employing and troubleshooting said pieces of equipment. I did think however the sections on networking and server administration were somewhat well spent.

I continue in short summery onto this girl that I met in A school. Her name was Tanya and she was from San Diego, she was short being half Korean and full of energy. I met her on a random date that actually wasn't too eventful, well minus the drunken ending. We went to dinner and then ended up the night at a bar near base... while at the bar my friend and I refrained from drinking too much however the girls proceeded to indulge. As the night came to a close we took the girls back to their dorms and as we where walking through the parking lot Tanya put on my coat while I was still wearing it... After laughing for a bit about it I took it off and lended it to her for the remainder of the walk back. The next day she in a bit of embarrassment returned my coat to me. After that we began to spend the remainder of our time in Florida spending the weekends camping and a trip to New Orleans etc... It was a refreshing way to finish out my last 3 months in Florida and I was glad for it.

While in Oregon I ran a bit, visited as many friends and family as possible. I started out by flying into Portland and heading down to Corvallis where I spent a week there and then proceeded to Hermiston to spend an extended amount of time with my parents while arranging some of my remaining affairs. While in Hermiston I had the opportunity to teach a quick little history class on the Marine Corps to my moms 5th grade class. The class was very responsive and paid a lot of attention to what I had to say I quizzed them at the end and passed out candy to all the individuals who answered correctly.

I have recently moved to Hawaii and have been exploring the Island only to be interrupted by the occasional work day and gaming binge. The most interesting place I have been so far is a series of waterfalls outside of Kailua that are a short hike into the mountains. They are fairly entertaining to jump off of being only about 45 feet in height. I have also been getting licensed on a range of military vehicles that I find large and cumbersome.

In other news I have recently been reading extensively on entrepreneurship and its effect on the economy. which reignited my thoughts on finishing my degree so I went down to the Joint Education Center here on base and applied at Hawaii Pacific University, I was surprised with how fast my approval to the school was processed but considering they work closely with the Marine Corps I guess there shouldn't have been any surprise. I declared my major in Business Admin Computer Information Systems and take my first class this may. The course I selected was Human Resource Management 3400 should be a good course and it is an accelerated term so I plan on putting forth a fairly high level of focus and energy to hopefully build momentum going into finishing the rest of my degree.

Physical fitness: while all this has transpired I have also been working on my physical fitness. I have been seeing fairly decent results, having a lower body fat percentage and achieving higher max lifts across the board. However I do feel like improvements could have been made at a faster pace I am satisfied with my current progress and aim to do more.

In summery I would say the last months of absence have been spent in a major effort to improve my self and maximize my life. however there has been too little self reflection during that course of time and although it is pretty cliche to write this I am going to make more of an effort to keep this blog up to date. It is something fairly near and dear to me even if it is only a collection of ramblings it is still a piece of my conscience written in plain view and stored for later reflection.

Filling in the Gaps

Since my last post a lot has happened in my life... I joined the United States premier fighting force known only as the Marine Corps yes the same corps that so many movies are made about the same corps that all mothers dread their sons growing up and joining. I joined that Corps and since my life has never been the same.

It all started one evening sitting in my room at the University of Oregon. I remember sitting there with my laptop on one side and my desktop on the other, starring into my monitor screen wondering to myself what I was going to do with my life in the next 2 to 4 years. I had another 4-5 terms of college left to go and no motivation to follow through on finishing those terms with passing grades. I had hit an extreme low in my life when it came to motivation... I had direction that was the easy part I had my whole remaining career at school figured out the only issue was that I had no desire in carrying out that plan. Where was the source of this downturn what was the cause? I could probably speculate for a long time some might say it was the drinking and the partying. You might even speculate a sincere level of procrastination and laziness had come upon me. However the source is probably much deeper than that... I believe it was out of fear, fear that I would become something ordinary something normal.

All that doesn't matter know because that night I started looking up information on the Marine Corps website and studying up on all sorts of information about what they had to offer. I looked up several other branches as well but something stuck with me about the USMC they proudly displayed that they were different, that they were a cut above the rest. Now whether or not the Marine Corps is actually better then the other services is and argument that has been around for centuries and will continue for many more. About a week later I walked into a recruiting station in Eugene, Oregon. There I began to work with SSGT Tommy Choe on putting together my enlistment package. Tommy carried himself pretty well and had a good head about him. This came as somewhat of a surprise because I assumed that all marines where jarheads without much intelligence about them however I quickly saw that this wasn't so. While talking to Choe I began to realize that there was a side of the Marine Corps that I could actually identify with. Not more than a few weeks later I went up to MEPS Portland and enlisted in the DEP program.

On February 23rd I shipped to MCRD San Diego for boot camp... The rest is history, I only have a few things to say on the matter. 1. If you want to hate your life for a good 2-3 weeks go. 2. If you want to find yourself silently amused by the most random things and periodically question your sanity then go. 3. If you want to experience regaining your freedom after 3 months then go. (There is no experience like it, It is one of the few times in a Marines career where he will shed a tear or two)

After being released from boot camp I had 17 days of leave... with which I spent fairly productively hanging out with friends and family across Oregon.

On June 9th however I reported in to SOI West at Camp Pendleton Calif. I admit I was worried that I was in for another episode of MCRD. However Ill explain my relief in my next post.

Bland Text

I recently moved down to Eugene a little more than a week and a half ago. Main reason for the move was the upcoming term at University of Oregon, however I also moved early to gain an edge on the employment market here in Eugene. During my first few days in Eugene I applied at several places of Employment one of them being an Information Services job that really struck me as a challenge.

I applied for the job and got it. Pretty excited about where it will go.

Ive also been biking alot of late something that keeps me fairly entertained...

Then life changed... Why? why did it changed because I decided it would change. Because for some reason I couldn't continue my existence as the person I was becoming. I wasn't becoming anything horrible, I was a college student with a good job. Taking some courses I was interested in and some that I just needed. I had a group of friends that did some pretty amazing things. By no means was my life boring nor was it horribly destructive. We would throw massive parties at our house almost as if we were trying to prove something to each other and to ourselves. I mean I had fun but it definitely felt like there was more to it. Curtis and me quickly became the beer barons of the UO. It was somewhat thrilling and adventurous for a time. There is nothing like picking up and moving 2500 servings of beer and then watching it disappear in the course of a night. Beyond just the partying, drinking and girls there was my Tokyo cyberpunk class that provided me with philosophical enticement. Everything from transcendence (human evolution) to what makes us human or sentient beings. All of these experiances I shared with my room mates which provided a sense of comradery whether or not mutual I will never know. but i sure think so.

Something however didn't sit right with me somehow this lifestyle that was extremely enjoyable I didnt see lasting. I am not sure why but I subconsciously was wanting to make sure it couldn't continue to exist. So I began to set out on my path of self destruction. From trying to drink myself into failure to just plain not going to class. I am not entirely sure why I would do it but it continued to fail cause my conscious always made sure that I was maintaining high enough grades to pass. However in the end my way out of this whole mess was to join the Marine Corps which may not make sense to most. I understand that but perhaps I just felt like I needed something to create structure for a while untill I figure somethings out. I am not sure what to expect from my time in the Military but I do know that 5 years is a short time and that my life is longer and shorter than I can comprehend. My carnal nature seems to have alot of anxieties about the whole ordeal but my mind sees things in alot longer terms. My main thing that I am going to struggle with is operating on the Militaries schedule. I throughout most of my life I have always lived by my own schedule and bent both work and school around what I needed or wanted to do. Not that I am lazy just that I prioritize things differently than most.

Well I have been rambeling a bit but that is exactly what this blog is for. It is a way for me to collect and distribute thoughts. that I might not otherwise communicate... not that the i dont want to communicate the content directly more so becuase I dont care to filter, edit, crop, restructure, format, and compile it in a traditional norm. aka sentences (complete thoughts)? which I for some reason must not have... because if I write off the top of my head using my thoughts they always seem to come out in fragments... maybe there is somebody else who has the other halves of my thoughts or maybe I am just a half thought kind of person. That or i create runons that are never correctly puncuated or conjucted and annoy the hell out of my proffessors and teachers.

Reading List,
An Economic Policy for today and tommorrow - Ludwig Von Mises
The Revolution - Ron Paul

Summer 2008

Summer to date has been quite the ride. Started out by moving back in with my parents in Hermiston Oregon. Upon arrival back at the house i quickly discovered that my room had been taken over as an extended storage room for my parents. After about a week the room was finally cleared. The two main reasons I moved back to Hermiston was; 1. living at my parents house provided me with a rent free place to live; 2. I had a job lined up with OfficeMax and I didnt feel like applying for a job down in Eugene.

I resumed my job at OfficeMax to discover that my department had slightly restructered. Kori the new supervisor is pretty cool and isnt much older than myself so we have quite a bit in common. Overall however the department runs alot the same as it did except perhaps a bit more organized of an operation.

While in Hermiston I couldnt help but pick up my work of freelance computer consulting and repair. In fact I am currently in the process of creating my own business out of the whole ordeal.

Mid summer I had a suprise surgery that took me out for a while wasnt to happy with that kinda put a damper in the business and especially my bicycling. Guess I am not going to be able to do any of the longer rides I had planned for this summer.

Well its late and This post is far to short so Ill have to write more later.

Modern Slavery

Tonight I went to an awareness speach on human trafficing. I felt like their message was valid and that I should forward my efforts in raising awareness by posting a few of their facts here in my blog:

Every year thousands of children will be sold for the purpose of forced commercial sex. Girls as young as fice years old are trafficed into brothels where they will be tortured, abused and raped. After years of abuse these children become disposable people within the cultures of their own country. Released from servituted into the streets, they continue commercial sex work, resort to drugs and alcohol, suffer from sexually transmitted diseases, and ultimately, many resort to suicide.

This tragic scenario is uniquely pervasive in Southeast Asia, with Cambodia serving as the unfortunate epicenter of recruitment and enslavement in commercial sex trade. The problem is so compelling that it demands a response from the international community to help bring an end to this kind of exploitation and abuse.

Currently groups like Transitions Cambodia, Inc (http://www.transitionscambodia.org/) and International Justice Mission (http://www.ijm.org/) are working on rescuing women trapped in the sex trade as well as aiding to the capturing of criminals involved in the sex trade.

Done waiting to be someone else!

Prelude

Throughout my life I have moments, where a synapsis happens in my brain that causes an epipheny. Those epiphenies lead to dreams and visions, and those dreams motivate and drive me to do something with my life and to help others do something with theirs. When I was younger about the age of 12 I began getting a surge of this thought pattern. However about half way through my senior year those thoughts began to fail and so did my ability to envision a future for myself. Closely following suite was a nihilistic attitude, degregation of morales, and a lacking work ethic.

Today, however I had an epipheny, and almost instantly it sparked a dream. A vision of what I could be and where I could do and that their is a purpose for my efforts. For the first time in a long time my perspective changed dramatically. I can't say whether or not this new perspective will last but it gave me a taste of a life far more meaningful than the one I am living now. One that is for more than my own benefit. Yes a life that would be rewarding to myself and to those around me, I am not saying that my actions wont be based on selfish motives because they probably will be. What I am saying is that the bi-products of my own actions though selfish would benefit those around me; stark contrast to what I have been doing of late where at best my actions leave those around me uneffected.

My Vision

So I began to see myself as an agent of change, but in a direction not originally forseen. I saw myself as an economic analyst turned political activist. I saw myself as an influential figure in the world of finance. I saw myself preaching fervently about concepts and idealogy that would change our society for the better. I saw myself reaching out to the common man, the factory worker, the railroad engineer, and the inner city high school graduate.

I began to rant about a change in the monetary system. I began to rant about gauranteeing freely enterable markets. I began to speak passionately about a reformed and hybrid educations system that incorperated both public and private schooling. I saw in my vision that I, I a man of humble begginnings could make a difference and that the best difference I could make is to insure that our society continues to protect that opportunity. As I began to see my vision unfolding I noticed that I was not an agent of corporate america, I was not sales obsessed CEO or a manipulative accountant. (not bashing those proffesions I admire them and once dreamed of becoming either.) but I realized my passion was sourced out of my fascination with economics.

I daily watch CNN, Mad Money, and read Harper's Magazine, Its actually quite odd that I didnt realize my obsession untill now. I also back political candidates like Ron Paul and cringe when I see John McCain as the Republican nominee. I haven't switched my major quite yet but I am going to be meeting with a career advisor this next term and attempt to figure out what I need to do.

Well I need to go to bed so consider this Part One of a two part series.

Being a Macro-Aggregate Electronicus

As of late I have spent alot of my time doing well, nothing. I guess saying that I have been doing nothing would not be fair to myself or life in general. I have however been doing very little to make any progress whatsoever in my life. In the last two weeks it seems as though I spent most of my time being sick and now that I am not sick I still havent managed to regain my life that existed before. That is why now at 5:34am I am writing in my blog, not because I woke up early but because this is the time at which i am normally headed off to bed to sleep another day away. Why sleep during the day? well simply put its because I have nothing better to do.

I recently went to a few parties they where alright nothing too exciting. Life just seems kinda drab, however I am finding new excitement in the world of web developement and tampering. Kinda just playing around with computers. It has definitely been a while since I last sat down and just actually played around with different applications and web tools. I have also been doing some exploring on the internet in general. Finding clothing on sites like shirt.woot.com, http://www.threadless.com/ and http://www.noisebot.com/. All three of those sites specializing in graphic tees.

I also have been spending a bit of time on http://www.smashingmagazine.com/ a site for anybody who is doing alot of graphic web design and or just about anything techy.

Going to cut things short here but ill try to be more organized and coherent in future posts.

I am thought, I am now.

In my recent ponderings and self searching I decided that I am. The very fact that I exist and that I am past, present and future is reassuring enough of an identity. I came to terms with this over the course of 4 years. Beggining with the question every teenager asks, "Who am I." The real question most people should be asking is, "What is I." or to put it in a little simpler terms how do you define this perceptual compilation of experiances that make us, well us.

When I first set out on this quest of identity, I tried to label myself as a christian, as a good student, as an athlete, as a computer geek. I tried to identify myself by the variety of my past actions. I beleive most people choose to define themselves by the average of their past actions. Even I am guilty of such labeling, I've done it most of my life. However in recent and I mean very recent history I discovered that this formula of Identity is completely false and unfair to one's self or "I." This archaic form of labeling is null and void because it only takes into account the past and negates the present and future selve's.

There is a time in our lives however where this sense of identity is almost abandoned. During an individuals educational period they are often labeled in future tense instead of past. For example one might say, "She's going to be a successful lawyer some day," or, "Hes going to make a great husband." Although this does give light to a dim variety in the way we see other's and ourselves it still limits, entitles, and unfairly influences who we are. Perhaps my unsettled feeling towards this sources out of my own concerns for where I am at in my present life. I definitely don't see myself fullfilling the typical "success" story at this point in my life. Nor do I wish to limit my future decisions based on a false identity of what I am capable of and or what I should be able to accomplish.

Although this was a brief rambeling of my thoughts, I just wanted to make it known that today I choose to see myself as past, present and future. Without labels, without guided terms, only to add to my life's experiences and appreciate them without a filter.

*I apologize for any incoherencies present in this writing I didnt edit or review its contents before posting.

Love, Lust, and College.

Two full wash cycles, a good chunk of stain remover and one morning later; I had finally cleaned my futon cover. I was attempting to correct the bi-product of valentines day. I spent that day in good company and yet I was definitely alone. By all standards I wasnt but i felt alone, intamately isolated.

This blog post is a reaction to another blog post written by a friend of mines. In it he posted a quote which I will forward....

"a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own valuewill want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desiresof its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capableof the depravity of a desire devoid of love."

After Reading this quote I couldn't help but reflect on its message. I felt like it hit home pretty hard. Like it was written for me or even possibly about me, It descibed not only things I had expressed to others but hit deeper to ideas that dwelt much deeper. It talks about a man's sex life reflecting his own self value and image of who he is. In recent history I have definitley seen this devaluation between my own self image and my sex life. It really had very little to do with how much I valued my partners and much more to do with how I saw myself. both physically and mentally. I am not necessarily in complete agreement with everything said in the above quote but I definitely found it to be worth mulling over.

I'm not sure wether or not anything about me will change but I have definitely realized I need to place more value into my self image and so into my sex life.

It's kinda crazy to think about how short this life really is. So time passes and I still can't help but feeling just as clueless about anything and ever

Another Day to Unload

So this morning I woke up around 8:00am and got my usual breakfast, eggs and oatmeal. Don't judge too much the combination has been working for me pretty well. After eating I went back up to my room where i continued to get ready and attempt to study some more for my two midterms today. I took a shower and hurried up out the door cause I needed to get down to the book store so I could by some number 2 pencils for myself and jacob.

10:00am, began my first midterm (BA101) it was multiple choice and they answers came pretty quickly and without delay. I ended up being like the 4th person done with the test. Hopefully it was speed without error but I'll find out on thursday. After the test I had some time to kill so i went on to the library to attempt to get some studying done. However no studying was to be had, I pretty much checkd my email and facebook before I got a phone call from my room mate, After talking to him I noticed my phone was low on batteries so i proceeded to head back to the dorms and get it charged.

12:00pm, I sat down in my MTH 241 class humored by the young proffessors normal manerisms. He addressed us with a few quick tid bits of how boring his weekend was and suggested that he live vicariously through our weekend stories. however he was met with no such luck the audience was unamused and reluctant to help the poor guy out. I studied for my MTH 243 test while I sat attempting to learn about derivatives.

1:00pm, Made it all the way out to the CLS building on 18th in order to take my MTH 243 midterm. The one I had been dreading but i calmed myself by choosing to believe I had covered all the material that would be on the test. Got into the classroom sat down and to my suprise he person sitting next to me was a girl I had met previously at one of brandon's parties... I hadnt realized before that point that she was even in the same class. After the test was handed out I read through the Instructions... only 11 MC questions and 1 show your work.... I was excited that was until I saw the questions... I honestly only knew answers to probably half of the test as for the rest we will just have to see. This all has compiled to inform me of one truth... I need to study more for this class.

Right now I cant stop thinking about this girl sitting next to me, not that she is necessarily anything different or special more so cause she is symbolic of a new start. A symbol of opportunity and change, a constant reminder that I litteraly have the whole world before me and the choices I have the privelage to make, in my relationships, in my school, and in my career. Her name is Laura.

Too Much Livin too Little Memories

So its definitely been a while since I last wrote in this blog. Kind of a sad twist of fate really cause i traded off living and being busy for capturing life's experiances and memories. Although I do admit I have had a good year to date nay a great year. UO plus early 20's life has exceeded my expectations... I have learned alot about tact with aggression, I have learned my weeknesses and my strengths. I feel that this year has offered me a look into the things that drive me and others as well as what truly makes me happy. I hope and plan to take what I have learned this year and apply it to the more serious parts of my life.

I have learned that I am a social person, I need to be immersed in a social enviroment that both challenges me and supports me in my life goals. Last year I was far removed from a fitting social scene and it definitely showed. Over the course of this year I found myself immersed in a variety of social scenes, some that were really good fits and others that were definitely not my type. No matter what groups I make an effort to hang out with I always take something away from it. I also discovered that I am a social networker, perhaps this is my greatest attraction to being a business major. I also do enjoy certain fascets of marketing and accounting but I strongly beleive that my desire and ability to connect talent together is the biggest pull I have in pursuing a Business Administration degree.

I also learned my ability to seperate physical intamacy from emotional. I really didnt think I would be able to sever the connection on the level that I have. Someday my emotions will resurfice but for now they continue to hide out.

For another topic, I hate my skin, cant stand it, wish i could have someone elses but i know im stuck with it. Its the only part of my life that I feel i dont have complete control over... and that bothers me cause I am somewhat of a transcendentalist meets free-market libertarian, which means I have a pretty well founded beleif that personal choice influences 90% of life's outcome. (another reason I am a business major). Perhaps however it is good that I have one thing in my life i dont have control over, it helps me sympathise with people who dont have control over their lives.

The UO, two weeks, and my life

Week One
I woke up with a sense of anxiety and urgency about me. The room was damp, with a slight chill to it. I had just spent my first night in Eugene. It was fairly uneventful but no less than I expected. School had not yet started and I was living at my friends' house until the dorms opened up. That day I spent cleaning and arranging furniture mostly and a bit of it in a daze. Little did I know how accustomed I would become to that dazed state. The next day would be much like the first except that on the second day I went on a short run with Ty around Eugene’s pleasant little downtown. We ran across some hippies, some more vocal than others, with their long beards and little trinkets for sale. Later when we got back to the house we decided to setup our computers for a little gaming. Although we didn’t play much together at all we did engage in the quick Counterstrike Gun game.

The First to arrive at the house was Ryan (Miller) and Nae (Narnia) later to arrive was I and Ty. That Friday however would come the arrival of Kris and Jeremy along with my first official Eugene Party. All I took away from that night was "Hey Baby!" and memories of Cameron running wildly through the lawn sprinklers behind the education building. The next morning we all sat in the family room equally confirming the successes of the night before. It was official the school year had started and it had started right.

Week Two
My roommate Jacob was an honors student and thus allowed me to move into the dorms early, well kind of. You see I didn’t get a key cause I wasn’t suppose to move in early however I just became Jacob's shadow and I didn’t have any issues living without that shiny brass passport. On the day I was granted my building key I remember waking up to the sounds of students and their parents hurriedly running around outside, scrambling to get everything into their rooms. I decided to roll out of bed. The clock read 10:14am; I threw on a pair of shorts, T-shirt and grabbed my flip flops. I walked out to the check in station and handed them my student ID in return I was granted my key and a form. When I got back to my room I turned on the CD player and blared some Blink 182 while I went to take a shower.

The rest of the week I spent getting acquainted with my fellow McClain Hall residents; through dinners and daily activities I began to meet the majority of them, each with very different personalities and backgrounds. I would say I quickly fell in love with college life here at the UO almost too much for my own good as I would find out later. That week I met some girls from the LLC which I quickly became fascinated with (especially since the LLC is A-Mazing) I met them at the Glow-Out which was honestly less than impressive but it was still an excuse for people to get together and have some fun.

That next Friday night the Kincaid boys threw another party equally as kick ass as the first if not more. The place was packed from wall to wall; it was definitely a party there was no doubt about that, from the marijuana being smoked on the back porch to the beer pong in the family room people where having a good time. But nothing good ever lasts, about 11:30 the cops decided to end everybody’s good night. Nobody got in trouble surprisingly and later that night a lot of us all came back to the house to chill and hangout. We ended up calling it a night at around 4:30 only to reconvene for breakfast the next day.

Overall my first two weeks were a blur of amazement, fun, and familiarizing myself with people and places.

MAN + EVE = ADDICTION

So recently I have begun playing the latest installment of a long running MMORPG. EVE Online Revelations II as it is descriptively titled is an immersive galaxy in wich a player can do pretty much anything imaginable while navigating the galaxy for pirates and scordite.

I found myself playing the game with my good friend steven and my brother luke. We began with the general strategy of mining basic minerals in an attempt to accumulate wealth. After approximately six hours of doing mining runs my brother and I set out to explore the galaxy only to find a quicker way to die and lose money.

The next day we discovered the use of agents and missions obtainable through agents. So we covered alot of uncharted territory very quickly while making vast amounts of money in the process. To make a long story short we basically got nowhere in the scheme of things but felt like we had conquered mountains, little micro-enviroment mountains the kinda mountains ants percieve.

Well I really wish I would have spent my time more productively but honestly I probably would have found some less eventfull way to waste it.

-Happy Targeting

Pursuing Your Dreams

It was an interesting night that was for sure, getting off work and going to my computer chatting it up with some friends eating some food and just kinda sitting around. Ok so maybe really not all that interesting of a night.

However my dream was far more interesting. I was down in Corvallis and I was visiting for figure out my school situation and while I was there I decided I wanted to visit some friends and family. So I began to try and dial my brother lukes phone number and was unable to do so. It appeared as though I could not physically dial the number or look it up in my contacts list. So I began to try other numbers in my phone and alas not a sing one would dial. So I found my self running to the nearest pay phone to try and call from there only to find the same dilemma after that I searched through the phone book in an effort to find the addresses for the people I was trying to dial. After a brief moment of searching I realized that I already new the exact addresses of those people. So I headed out on foot in order to find them. After about 5 minutes of walking I suddenly found myself on an old railway tram sitting next to a small oriental family with rugged clothing. After attempting to converse with them I became frustrated and woke up.

I was subconsiously aware that I slept in passed my normal time but I wasnt going to give up on figuring out this frustrating dream of mine and so I fought waking up untill the dream made so little sense it was not woth the sacrifice. You could say however that for that hour and a half on a monday morning Sam Dotson was truly "Pursuing his Dream."